Patently Silly - The Humor of Invention

Patently Silly Causes International Lesbian Controvery--BBC Cautions Graham Norton Over Joke

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I just learned that Graham Norton was given an official warning by the BBC over comments he made during the Patently Silly segment he did last spring. As a comedian, it's a peculiar honor to cause such controversy. Who knew a patent illustration could spark such lively debate between gays and lesbians?

The segment was based on commentary I wrote on the Jumpsuit for a Woman and Method of Use. I refer to the woman in the patent illustration as a "butch" lesbian. This is not a derogatory term, nor an offensive sexual stereotype. In fact, this is the term that many lesbians in the United States use to self-identify. I don't know why Graham changed "butch" to "strange". Perhaps the word "butch" doesn't have the same connotations in the UK. As Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction put it, Butch is an American name and "American names don't mean s#*t."

And a big part of being butch is how you look! Ask any lesbian what a "butch" looks like and I'm sure they will mention short hair. For goodness sake, it's step #5 in this article on How to Be a Butch Lesbian.

And check out her confident stare as she squats half-naked before the patent examiner. Excellent form! Take that bureaucrat!

Shame on the BBC. We should be celebrating this example of gender diversity in our public records. After all, real women don't look like this.

Patently Silly's First Animation!: a Better Mouse Trap

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I am really excited to launch Patently Silly's first animation, in conjunction with my new book Patently Silly: From the Collapsible Walker to the Incinerating Toilet, the Craziest Inventions Ever Devised! I've been obsessed with the Portable Electrical Mouse Trap since I first came across its improbable illustrations in 2005. There was a complete story in the sequence of patent drawings that had to be animated!

Ralph Waldo Emerson is attributed with saying, "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door."

Inventor Charles Jordan's door deserves a steady stream of knocks -- if not from vermin-ridden homeowners than by art gallery owners.

His counter-intuitive design gives mice a choice between two powerful instincts: a sensible fear of sharp-fanged housecats and an unquenchable addiction to stinky cheese. Basically, it kills the idiots and the junkies.

And if you enjoyed this animation, you would definitely like my book, Patently Silly: From the Collapsible Walker to the Incinerating Toilet, the Craziest Inventions Ever Devised.

PS on the BBC's the Graham Norton Show!

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The producers of The Graham Norton Show found a good segueway into Patently Silly when Oscar-nominated actor Greg Kinnear came on to promote his movie Flash of Genius (about the inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper). Hilarity ensued.

Voice Communication Concerning a Local Entity

2006-09-26

This has to be one of the strangest patent illustrations I've ever seen. Is this the future of telephone help lines? "I am a plant. How can I help you?"

The patent explains:

The voice services thus acts as a voice dialog proxy for the plant and gives the impression to the person... that they are conversing with the plant.

And what a stimulating conversation that will be! "How are the seedlings doing? Your leaves are looking lovely—photosynthesis sure has been kind!"

If you've ever wanted "voice interaction with a local dumb device" might I suggest going to your local pub?

Office Gym Exercise Kit

2006-11-21

The cubicle has become more than just a semi-private workspace. In today's workaholic culture it also doubles as a dining room, art gallery and YouTube mini-theater. So why not use it as a gym?

This kit provides a full range of arm, leg and back exercises. All you need is a chair, a desire to get fit and a willingness to look stupid.

Cross USB Drive

2006-12-05

Because Jesus saves.

Religious Lamp with Fluid Flow

2006-10-10

Jesus said in the book of John, "I am the light of the world." Now have him light up your living room!

But of course, a light up Jesus would seem too simple to be patentable. But what if we add a little animatronics? According to the patent, "Jesus' head rises with light actuation." That's right, wake him up right at his most painful moment.

But the spiritual uplift doesn't end there. The inventor threw in some dripping blood pumps for that I-can't-believe-how-much-this-guy-suffered-for-me effect.

Mel Gibson, why hast thou not pursued the merchandising tie-in?

Method of Using a Water Pipe

2006-10-17

I had heard of snorting coke off of a strippers tits, but taking a bong hit out of her vagina?

This "water pipe providing sexual stimulation" seems to be just too depraved to be true. In instances such as this, I find it best to let the patent do the talking:

"The lower end cooperates with the wall of the vagina to form a water reservoir holding water in the lower end and the vagina. A stem is received into the inlet port with an end opening submerged in the water reservoir. Suction applied at the exit port draws air through the stem to bubble through the water reservoir to generate stimulatory vibrations transmitted to the vagina. Optionally, a bowl holding combustible material communicates with the stem such that smoke bubbles through the water reservoir to simultaneously filter and cool the smoke and generate stimulatory vibrations."

I don't doubt that the experience is pleasurable, but pleasurable enough for a woman to allow bong water in her vagina? Perhaps the only thing not surprising about this patent is that it was invented in Vegas. Hopefully, it will stay there.

Sanitary Security Sock System

2006-03-14

We all know the drill: Take off you shoes, put them on the conveyer belt to be X-Rayed and walk through the metal detector. All because of that one stupid m*th#rf!ck%r!

Deep breath. Okay. So what's wrong with this system? The inventor points out:

"With the increase in airport security measures, many recent inventions have focused on improving the accuracy and efficiency of current airport security systems. However, none of these inventions have focused on the health concerns that have surfaced as a result of the implementation of the new security standards."

That's right people, Al Qaeda may not have hijacked any planes since 9/11, but there's a new terrorist threatening our airports—foot fungus. Have seen those advertisments where the little fungus rips up a toenail and walks inside? It sounds messed up, but on a visceral level, I find that image almost as disturbing as the footage of the twin towers.

Diane Ghioto's "one size fits all" sock system picks up where the department of Homeland Security left off—protecting the nation from the ground up.

Weed Cutting Golf Club

2006-01-24

This sly club comes in handy when you've landed in the rough. No need to bogey the hole just because your surrounded by two foot high grass—hack your way to a clear shot!

But inventors John Buell and Troy Nowell see their gas-powered weed whacking wood as more than the latest must-have golf accessory: It's humble small contribution towards world peace. It is "a weed cutting golf club for relief of stress" that can "lighten the mood and decrease stress levels in order to provide a more relaxing and enjoyable atmosphere." Rev up and chill out.