Necessity is the mother of invention. The father is unknown.
The following patent was issued by the US Patent and Trademark Office on April 4, 2006.

Simulated Wedding Cake

patent#: US 7021465

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filed under Eats
view the full patent  | comments (11)
posted on 4/10/2006, patent issued on 4/4/2006

How does one "invent" a simulation? Isn't a simulation, by definition, a copy? And by simulating a wedding cake, wouldn't one be inviting a black tie revolution? For goodness sake, let them eat cake.

But let us not judge too quickly. What sybaritic delights does such a sim-cake contain? Let me taunt your salivary glands with a description from the patent:

"a plurality of stackable layers oriented in a substantially vertical manner, one said plurality of layers defining a base and other said plurality of layers defining an apex, said plurality of layers having a centrally disposed longitudinal axis extending therethrough and further has top and bottom surfaces disposed thereabout, said plurality of layers further having a plurality of apertures formed therein and radially spaced about a perimeter thereof respectively."

Geometrically delicious. Lick my radially spaced perimeter, Duncan Hines!

In case you didn't know what was wrong with the traditional, multilayered, flour-based extravaganza, take a big slice of time-saving knowledge:

"wedding cakes commonly served at wedding parties need to be properly portioned, cut and placed on plates requiring the effort of someone skilled with the hands, a facility which all the attendees do not usually possess. The cake itself can be difficult or time consuming to make, and the whole event might require considerable clean up when completed."

I mean, how long do you think this marriage is going to last?

Simulated Wedding Cake

Comments on Simulated Wedding Cake

MissTress | Dec 2, 2006 4:00 AM
I wonder if you can get a simulation wedding package. Will include the simulated sneering in-laws, drunken uncle bringing up the (insert his life failure here), slutty bridesmaids, the picky whiney aunt, robotic speeches of the best man who thinks you are making the biggest mistake since that naked ski trip, the 80's hair-hasbeen-cover band and last but not least the simulated white lie you call a wedding dress. You could have the feel of a real wedding in the comfort of your own home! If you buy your simulation now, we will throw in the expensive photographer and the controlling mother simulation! Void where prohibited.

Herb Moyer | Dec 6, 2005 9:00 PM
I think it's a carrot cake and those plants are the ends of the carrots. The carrots themselves are obviously inside the cake. Scrumptious.

LAQ | Dec 6, 2005 6:01 AM
Okay, I'm just confused. Are those plants growing out of a cake or what? Seriously, if you can tell me, email me.

Mike Garrett | Dec 5, 2005 12:01 PM
Well yeah, the inventor has a strange idea about what to use this for, but Bakeries should love this. They could have demo cakes to show the various design elements that they use when making real cakes. Customers could mix and match elements and design their own cakes. For tasting, the bakeries could keep an assortment of plain layer cakes with different flavor frosting combinations. They would save a TON OF MONEY, and the demo cake would be a much better sales tool than a phot. Damn I'm good, and humble too!!

skeeter | Dec 5, 2005 11:01 AM
I wish I had a nickel for every time the word 'plurality' appeared in this patent!

Luke | Dec 5, 2005 9:01 AM
Hmmm, sounds like the inventor re-invented the cake.

skeeter | Dec 5, 2005 9:01 AM
You would throw the cake instead of eat it ????

miss tickle | Dec 5, 2005 5:00 AM
For those who didn't read the whole patent, the "plurality of tulles" that decorate the cake can be used to distribute confetti or birdseed to the guests. That's what makes it an "invention" and not mere mimicry!

miss tickle | Dec 5, 2005 5:00 AM
I haven't been to a lot of weddings but I always thought the "chucking confetti" (or confetti substitute) bit came after the ceremony (formal) bit and the "cutting cake" bit came after the speeches and food.

tiny | Dec 5, 2005 3:01 AM
Simulated garter and bridal bouquet not included.

Tampa Tom | Dec 4, 2005 2:01 PM
I wonder if you get a simulated wedding license with this? After all, most marriages seem to be set up for the 'long haul' of two or three years these days....

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