Religious Meditation Apparatus

patent#: US 6837185

filed under Made Fun, Birds
view the full patent  | comments (3)
posted on 1/18/2005, patent issued on 1/4/2005

"A need has existed for a meditation tool that also acts as a bird feeder so that watching the birds can enhance a religious experience."

Apparently appreciating nature alone is not enough to constitute a religious experience.

Also it's an ingenious way to convert birds to the faith! While they're enjoying a nice free meal, why not remind them that Christ dies for their sins, too. After all, where were they during the whole Crucifixion? A few woodpeckers could have prevented the whole debacle.

Another issue this invention raises is favoritism between the species. Providing "effective squirrel resistance," this birdfeeder is sure to open wounds in the old "Blessedness of the Squirrels" debate, which nearly divided the Catholic Church in 1479. The debate arose while an Inquisitor in Seville was preparing to burn a "self-confessed" blaspheming goat molester. While securing the ropes, a daring Douglass squirrel raided a satchel of almonds, on which the Inquisitor was planning to munch during the main event. Incensed, the Inquisitor grabbed the offending beast by its furry tail, declared the animal an instrument of Satan, and began to pull its skin from its body. A local priest intervened on behalf of the squirrel, citing an Eastern Grey named Mr. Puffy who was a known confidant of St. Francis of Azzizi. This priest was immediately declared a heretic and and was tossed into a vat of boiling oil (which the Inquisitor always kept heated on the back of his wagon, for executions and barbecues). Since then, squirrels have been unwelcome in all houses of worship, including this one.