Patently Silly :: Archives :: Animals

Animal Model for Flaviviridae Infection

patent#: US 6878364

Over the past year I've seen lots of patents on bizarre animal experiments, but nothing quite like this one:

"An isolated woodchuck cell infected with bovine viral diarrhea virus."

Okay, I think we all see the joke. The question is, would I even waste the keystrokes to write something so obvious? Hey people, this is science. There's no time for playing around. It is my duty to delve into unknown and ask what has not yet been asked:

How much crap could a woodchuck crap if a woodchuck could catch bovine viral diarrhea virus?

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the preserved brain of Einstein... Amen.

Although these experiments may one day yield a treatment for Hepatits C, I can't help but feel sorry for the cows, the woodchucks and most of all the poor, lowly research assistants, whose job it is to sweep up all that sawdust.

filed under Medicine, Pests
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posted on 6/3/2005, patent issued on 4/12/2005

Portable Electrical Mouse Trap

patent#: US 6865843

Without question, this is the most intense mousetrap I've ever seen. It's truly a beast straight out of mouse mythology--a legendary monster that adult mice use to teach their children the dangers of gluttony--Mousargon the Seducer.

Insultingly, the bait is not even real cheese, but a "cheese fragrance", wafting from the belly of the beast. Confronted with this unnatural scenario, the mouse must choose between two opposing instincts: its well-justified fear of sharp-fanged housecats and its unquenchable addiction to smelly cheese.

Oh, foolish vermin! In the accompanying patent illustrations the mouse falls for the bait. Against better judgment, it crawls right into the gaping jaws of it's mortal enemy. Once in the cat's abdomen, the jaws shut and all hope is lost. A vacuum sucks the mouse into the collection chamber where the mouse is promptly suffocated. And then, just to scare the remaining crap out of any mice witnesses, the cat's eyes emit a menacing, post-digestion glow.

Mice: 0, Creepy Exterminating Robots: 1.

filed under Pests
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posted on 4/27/2005, patent issued on 3/15/2005

Method and Device for Rearing Insects, Especially for Obtaining Secretion from Fly Larvae for Therapeutic Application

patent#: US 6863022

My darling maggots,
How are you? You must be all grown up now, soaring amongst the garbage heaps. I will never forget the few days we spent together: Me watching Oprah in my hospital bed as you fed on my festering wound. I had never seen so many critters so eager for a bite of gangrenous tissue!

I'm all better, thanks to you. It brings me joy to know that my patch of dead flesh has given you flight.

Enjoy these pictures from when you were just little larvae,
-D

filed under Medicine, Pests
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posted on 4/19/2005, patent issued on 3/8/2005

Method and Device for Rearing Insects, Especially for Obtaining Secretion from Fly Larvae for Therapeutic Application

Insect Swatter

patent#: US 6851218

"[A]n improved inset swatter is desirable which reduces the skill required for its effective use, and reduces resulting stains from the successful swatting of the insect."

I grew up knowing a man named Miyagi. Miyagi was a true artist of life who embodied the samurai spirit. For Miyagi, killing a fly was not a means to an end, it was a powerful meditation, performed with chopsticks. An opportunity for delicate agility. An opportunity to experience the humiliation of repeated frustration of failure, while maintaining a steady hand. An opportunity to honor life by making it nearly impossible to destroy one.

Wax on.

filed under Pests
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posted on 3/24/2005, patent issued on 2/8/2005

Rodent Catching Apparatus

patent#: US 6739086

"When a rodent enters upon the metal ramp and comes within about 1/4 inch of the baited electrode, it is electrocuted and falls to the bottom of the bucket, which contains a pool of water."

Unique, Cruel and Unusual!

filed under Pests
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posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004