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Pet Operated Ball Thrower

patent#: US 7114465

Perhaps the loneliest invention I've seen since the Solo-Operable Seesaw.

filed under Pets
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posted on 1/16/2007, patent issued on 10/3/2006

Pet Operated Ball Thrower
Receptacle Assembly for Receiving Canine Fecal Matter

Receptacle Assembly for Receiving Canine Fecal Matter

patent#: US 6941897

If you dog is not already toilet trained, diapers may be in order, that is, if you are an owner that does not believe in the right to mark one's terrirtory or to eat one's own poop.

filed under Pets
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posted on 2/13/2006, patent issued on 9/13/2005

Collar

patent#: US D504984

It is said that, over time, dogs begin to resemble their owners – a process that can be accelerated through coordinated collaring.

In an age when two of the most tricked out rappers are named Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow, canine bling should be no surprise. What's impressive here is the patent holder's bold suggestion that their design can be enjoyed by both beauty and beast alike. You can wear while dining at five-star restaurant or even just put it on for a casual afternoon in the back yard, snacking on old turds.

So don't just buy one, buy two. Don't be selfish! Did I mention it makes a great tentacle ring, should you happen to keep a giant squid?

filed under Jewelry, Pets
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posted on 2/9/2006, patent issued on 5/10/2005

Collar
Vending System for Pet Items and Method

Vending System for Pet Items and Method

patent#: US 6886715

F.I.D.O. – Forget Inessential Dog Owners

Has there ever been a machine more detrimental to animal-human relationships? If your dog no longer relies upon you as the "treat-master", you may find yourself cut off like a sack of jewels at a spaying clinic.

This "vending system" packs "a ball, a container of water or drinking liquid, a pet-food item, a pet grooming item, a pet health item, a non-ball pet toy, a collar, a leash, an I.D. tag, a whistle and a waste disposal kit" – everything a dog going solo needs to eat, drink, brush, play and obey local curbing laws.

What? Timmy fell in the well? It's time the little accident-prone bastard learned a lesson: Nothing gets in between Lassie and his Scooby Snacks.

filed under Pets
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posted on 2/8/2006, patent issued on 5/3/2005

Doggie Poop Freeze Wand

patent#: US 6883462

Behold, the magic poop wand! The problem (as defined in the patent):

"1. The clean-up of animal feces is tedious, smelly, and messy.
2. The disposal of animal feces causes bulk, odors in trash or disposal areas, and unsanitary conditions.
3. The content of feces causes distruction and degradation of properties.
4. The natural body function of our animals is sometimes a nuisance to society."

The solution:

"The invention discloses a device and vehicle for decomposition and discard of animal waste. It's an elongated hollow tubular housing made of aluminum or PVC, a detachable cylinder filled with a compressed freezing chemical or refrigerant, or compressed liquid enzymes, which is inserted into the hollow housing, an operation button exposed for use, empty space at the handle end for the placement of plastic trash bags, and a threaded top on the end of the housing encapsulating the empty space. The decomposition device is aimed at the animal waste to be removed, and the operation button is pressed, which in turn manipulates the pressurized freezing chemical or enzymes, forcing the contents out of the opposite end, to freeze or breakdown the animal waste, dependent upon the choice of cylinder."

Has "Poopsicle" been trademarked?

filed under Pets
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posted on 12/7/2005, patent issued on 4/26/2005

Doggie Poop Freeze Wand
System for Locating and Sending Messages to Pets

System for Locating and Sending Messages to Pets

patent#: US 6885305

"Messages can be sent to a pet using a hand-held remote transmitter and a receiver that is attached to the pet. The receiver can record voice commands. When the transmitter sends a signal, the receiver picks up the signal and plays the recorded command to the pet. The receiver can also have one or more lights mounted on it that can be turned on by pushing buttons on the transmitter."

No more running around, yelling, "Lassie, come home!" Just put on this collar and stay at home. It's like having a remote control for your dog.

filed under Pets
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posted on 12/6/2005, patent issued on 4/26/2005

Canine Relief Station Having Watering Outlet with Internal Water Reservoir

patent#: US D504546

Okay, dogs aren't known for their sanitary practices. But isn't it enough that they eat their own poop? Do we need to encourage them to lick their urinals?

filed under Pets
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posted on 12/8/2005, patent issued on 4/26/2005

Canine Relief Station Having Watering Outlet with Internal Water Reservoir
Bicycle-Mounted Running Guard for Dogs

Bicycle-Mounted Running Guard for Dogs

patent#: US 6874448

Bicycles and dogs just don't go together, especially in this Flintstone's-style sidecar combination. The dog is kept in close with the use of a siderail and a tight leash to prevent it from running in front of the bike. It's so much fun your dog will wag its tail right into the spokes!

filed under Pets
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posted on 5/26/2005, patent issued on 4/5/2005

Pet Umbrella and Combined Pet Leash and Umbrella

patent#: US 6871616

There once was an overprotective vet,
Whose wiener he would never let get wet.
He made an umbrella,
For his little fella,
But let him drench every passing hydrant.

filed under Pets
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posted on 5/12/2005, patent issued on 3/29/2005

Pet Umbrella and Combined Pet Leash and Umbrella
Non-Slip Pads for Animal Paws

Non-Slip Pads for Animal Paws

patent#: US 6863033

Perfect for dog/goats without paws.

filed under Pets
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posted on 4/19/2005, patent issued on 3/8/2005

Bird Perch

patent#: US 6860237

You know how it is with birds. Give them some seed, they want a cracker. Get them a cage, they want a perch.

According to the inventor, using the perch is safer than allowing the bird to sit on your shoulder, where they can can "peck, scratch, or bite the person's face, ears, head, etc". As you can see, the guy's shirt is pretty ripped up and on the larger pic his left eye is missing. The way this parrot's head is cocked, it looks like Polly's got some major attitude. She tore this cracker up!

filed under Pets
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posted on 4/13/2005, patent issued on 3/1/2005

Bird Perch
Method for Pet Training Device

Method for Pet Training Device

patent#: US 6860240

Rollover Beethoven ringtone, now use your cellphone to train your dog. Okay, the inventors refer to the controller as a "command module," but it looks suspiciously like my old Nokia.

The device allows automatic discipline of your pup: "When the wireless receiver is placed in the no-bark mode, the wireless receiver module will generate a shock when triggered by a bark sensor." Sounds rough. ZAP!!! Did I say rough? ZAP!!! I meant... not pleasant.

The inventors placed the "vibration motor and shock electrodes in close proximity to the animal's vocal cords" causing many full moon howling sessions to sound like a baseball game between the Obsessive-Compulsive Garglers and the Screaming Tracheotomy Patients.

filed under Pets
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posted on 4/13/2005, patent issued on 3/1/2005

Animal Toilet Enclosure

patent#: US 6857391

I've seen lots of animal toilets over the past year, and this is one of the most sophisticated. It features a motion-sensor activated doorway, a sewer, and even a shower-head! Very European.

filed under Pets
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posted on 4/4/2005, patent issued on 2/22/2005

Animal Toilet Enclosure
Animal Leash System

Animal Leash System

patent#: US 6851393

The leash is for the dog.

filed under Pets
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posted on 3/24/2005, patent issued on 2/8/2005

Insect Terminating Pet Dish

patent#: US 6848392

In an age when many animals are fed chicken feathers, insects don't sound like such a horrible source of extra protein. Still, top breeders probably don't recommend it.

Enter the Insect Terminating Pet Dish. Any insect trying to crawl into this bowl (whoops, except for the winged-beasties!) will find itself crawling up a metal coil where it will be electrically exterminated. I hope Rover doesn't go overboard while licking the bowl.

Why all this paranoia about insects? After all, the bugs get us in the end. We might as well eat a few while we have a chance.

filed under Pets
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posted on 3/14/2005, patent issued on 2/1/2005

Insect Terminating Pet Dish
Dog-Powered Vehicle

Dog-Powered Vehicle

patent#: US 6840523

Technology for the next Ice Age.

I've got to admit, I'm surprised that someone went the distance to get patent protection for this invention. If only the dogs themselves could be patented!

filed under Pets
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posted on 1/25/2005, patent issued on 1/11/2005

Exercise Treadmill for Dogs

patent#: US 6837186

Surprisingly, the first dog treadmill patent in the US was awarded way back in 1939. I guess with the Great Depression still in full-swing people were too busy selling apples on the street corner to take a dog for a walk.

The most noticeable new features on this version are walls and a leash, proving beyond a doubt that yes, you can be too careful.

Other household pets can also joing in on the fun. The treadmill is not just for dogs. There is also "a bait animal maintained in a bait cage out of the reach of the dog being exercised."

One assumes that the inventor of such a machine is a dog owner himself, prompting the question, "Why don't you stop working on your stupid invention and go out and walk your dog?" Noone ever said that man is a dog's best friend.

filed under Pets
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posted on 1/18/2005, patent issued on 1/4/2005

Exercise Treadmill for Dogs
Edible Animal Greeting Cards and Treats

Edible Animal Greeting Cards and Treats

patent#: US 6838101

Some dogs prefer to be greeted with a handshake, others prefer to receive a card.

filed under Pets
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posted on 1/18/2005, patent issued on 1/4/2005

Animal Dryer and Method for Use Thereof

patent#: US 6826850

filed under Pets
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posted on 12/7/2004, patent issued on 12/7/2004

Animal Dryer and Method for Use Thereof
Animal Garment

Animal Garment

patent#: US 6820574

If you really want to spoil your dog, take Rover to the day spa. In between the "hydrosurge baths," pamper him with a little ancient Chinese medicine... This ain't no ordinary dog-sweater, it's specially designed to contact "various acupressure points [...] to reduce anxiety behavior in the wearer." No more barking or biting!

Does a neutered animal still have a "Conception Vessel acupressure meridian?"

filed under Pets
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posted on 11/9/2005, patent issued on 11/23/2004

Cricket Box

patent#: US 6814279

Cricket, cricket in a box,
Can you hear my gentle knocks?
Open up so you can meet,
A little lizard that needs to eat.

filed under Pets
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posted on 11/9/2004, patent issued on 11/9/2004

Cricket Box
Animal Eyewear

Animal Eyewear

patent#: US D498026

Perfect for skiing, parasailing, whitewater rafting... whatever extreme sports your pet is into.

filed under Pets
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posted on 11/2/2004, patent issued on 11/2/2004

Advanced Dog Collar Flashlight

patent#: US 6805460

This invention allows the following hypothesis to be tested: If a dog can see the dark place he wants to put his nose, will he still sniff?

filed under Pets
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posted on 10/19/2004, patent issued on 10/19/2004

Advanced Dog Collar Flashlight
Multi-Functional Pet Carrier

Multi-Functional Pet Carrier

patent#: US 6802282

This device allows you to carry your dog like a backpack or a purse.

I, for one, am really sick of this trend of people carrying their pets everywhere they go. Dogs have no right to be tired--they have twice as many legs as we do.

filed under Pets
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posted on 10/12/2004, patent issued on 10/12/2004

Ingestible Chewing Gum for Animals

patent#: US 6803061

Let's face it, animals have bad breath, especially dogs. Think of all the loving moments you've had with your best friend that have been ruined by "dog breath." Finally, the gum industry is getting involved, at least the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company. Years of testing have concluded that, indeed, canines yearn for "long lasting freshness."

Flavors in development include rawhide, cat, and excrement.

filed under Pets
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posted on 10/12/2004, patent issued on 10/12/2004

Flush Toilet for a Dog

Flush Toilet for a Dog

patent#: US 6769382

There once was an old dog named Mush,
Who sometimes had to "go" in a rush,
His owners' rugs he crapped on,
So they bought him his own john,
But you can't teach an old dog to flush.

filed under Pets, Toilet
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posted on 8/3/2004, patent issued on 8/3/2004

Apparatus for Determining Dog's Emotions By Vocal Analysis of Barking Sounds and Method for the Same

patent#: US 6761131

"The present invention relates to an apparatus of determining animal's emotions from vocal analysis of barking sounds, and more particularly, it relates to an apparatus of determining dog's emotions by vocally analyzing barking sounds."

Sit. Stay. Bark slowly and clearly. Do no, I repeat, do NOT urinate on the mike stand.

This device for emotionally retarded pet owners and those wishing to gain Tarzan-like barking abilities may be more promising than Japanese Unexamined Patent Publication No. H10-3479 titled "Interpretation Method for Reading Animal's Mind and Interpretation Device for the Same" but slightly less accurate than a Peanuts cartoon. The invention picks up on such hard-to-detect feelings "loneliness", "frustration", "aggressiveness", "assertiveness", "happiness", and "wistfulness" (wistfulness? Aww... who's the little doggie feeling pensive?) to ensure a longer, happier, emotionally satisfying relationship.

filed under Pets
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posted on 9/27/2005, patent issued on 7/13/2004

Apparatus for Determining Dog's Emotions By Vocal Analysis of Barking Sounds and Method for the Same
Thermostatically Controlled, Heated Animal Nurser and Means for Simulating a Mother's Heartbeat

Thermostatically Controlled, Heated Animal Nurser and Means for Simulating a Mother's Heartbeat

patent#: US 6752103

Oh dear beloved mother,
Nestled close to your mechanical heartbeat,
You nursed me through feline infancy,
And sated my thirst for life.

So much more intimacy we might have shared,
If you didn't teach me to stick my tail in the electrical socket.

filed under Pets
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posted on 7/11/2005, patent issued on 6/22/2004

Tissue with Embossed Puppy Design

patent#: US D490248

Because dogs love ass.

filed under Toilet, Pets
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posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004

Tissue with Embossed Puppy Design
Throwable Pet Toy

Throwable Pet Toy

patent#: US 4919083

Of course you've heard of a Frisbee, but what about a Frisbeef? This flying disc is impregnated with "smoked ham, chicken, beef and other meat by-products such as ham hocks, shank ends, turkey, or chicken necks/backs and oxtails." Mmm... chicken backs, shank ends, and polyurethane – my favorite!

(Is it me or does it look like the dog in Figure 10 is about to be nailed in the nose by the Frisbee? Can't he smell the whirling meat disc coming? Must be a vegan.)

filed under Pets
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posted on 2/10/2006, patent issued on 4/24/1990