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Process for the Utilization of Ruminant Animal Methane Emissions

patent#: US 6982161

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention (thanks, MOH) that this device traps cow belches not farts. I apologize for the mischaracterization. Thankfully, it has lost none of its comic appeal. -DW 6/1/2006

Wow, wow, and wow. Twenty three months ago, I heard a voice that told me that if I looked through hundreds of thousands of patents, I would one day encounter an invention could save the planet. That day has come.

Global warming is no joke, and neither is a specially-designed garment for trapping cow farts belches.

Cows farts belches contain methane, a notorious greenhouse gas. This invention traps the nasty flatulence and pumps it through a "rubber diaphragm," "plug balls," an "outflow one-way flap sphincter," and finally into into a special capsule. In the capsule, microorganisms consume the carbon-rich gas.

But these microorganisms not only breakdown the global-warming fumes. After their brief, micro-fabulous lives are over, the organisms can be harvested as useful biomass. According to the inventor, "Such biomass can be processed and sold as a nutritional foodstuff[!]"

filed under Farm, Environment
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posted on 4/14/2006, patent issued on 1/3/2006

Process for the Utilization of Ruminant Animal Methane Emissions
Animal Sorting and Grading System Using MRI to Predict Maximum Value

Animal Sorting and Grading System Using MRI to Predict Maximum Value

patent#: US 6877460

Students and teachers complain of grading children with standardized tests. Well, be thankful you're not a cow. One day cows may be graded with MRIs to determine "a number of days to maximum value to continue feeding an animal prior to processing the animal in order to obtain a predetermined maximum value for the animal." Stop you complaining kiddies or one day SAT may stand for Soylent Aptitude Test.

Wait a minute... Cows get free antibiotics and free MRIs and there are 40 million Americans without health insurance?

filed under Agriculture, Farm
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posted on 6/2/2005, patent issued on 4/12/2005

Seed Coating for Bypassing the Ruminant Digestive Tract

patent#: US 6787150

Cows eat grass, at least the lucky ones do. Someone has to go through the pasture full of manure to replant the grass after the cows have eaten it. I'd hate to be in his shoes. Or even anywhere near his shoes.

Don't hold your breath any longer! This is a coating to put on grass seeds. The cows eat them, can't digest them, and then spread them through the fields, conveniently fertilized in a pile of their own poop.

Craptacular!

filed under Agriculture, Farm
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posted on 9/7/2004, patent issued on 9/7/2004

Seed Coating for Bypassing the Ruminant Digestive Tract
Method and Apparatus for Head Removal

Method and Apparatus for Head Removal

patent#: US 6776701

And I thought the science of head removal died with Mr. Guillotine! This contraption is used in the pork industry to make sure we get as much meat as possible from those chubby little hog-necks.

filed under Farm, Agriculture
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posted on 8/17/2004, patent issued on 8/17/2004

Apparatus and Method of Edible Feet Harvest and Paw Production

patent#: US 6749497

filed under Farm, Agriculture
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posted on 6/15/2004, patent issued on 6/15/2004

Apparatus and Method of Edible Feet Harvest and Paw Production
Pig Swimming Pool

Pig Swimming Pool

patent#: US D490905

filed under In the Water, Farm
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posted on 6/1/2004, patent issued on 6/1/2004

Intravaginal Retention Device for a Tailed Animal

patent#: US 6739285

When a cow wags her tail, it's because she's happy, really happy. Ha! Actually it's a new device by Monsanto to make sure cows don't spend too much time not being pregnant. Well, how exactly is the bull supposed to do his deed with this thing shoved up her !@#*^ ? I'm sure it will upset many a drunken redneck, too.

filed under Farm
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posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004

Intravaginal Retention Device for a Tailed Animal
Teat Cup Shell

Teat Cup Shell

patent#: US D490212

Some people can make a bong out of anything, others can make anything INTO a bong. This sucker's used for milking cows. And, hey, where there are cows, there is usually grass...

filed under Farm
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posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004