Homeland Security

Passenger Control System During a Plane Flying

patent#: US 6970105

In these days of airline travel, every passenger is a potential terrorist, and you must sacrifice good dental hygiene to prove you're not. There must be a better solution to airlne safety than confiscating everybody's toothpaste, right? What if the Transportation Security Administration were to give, instead of just taking away? Sounds good, but what if what they gave you was a collar equipped with a biosensor and a syringe?:

"The system is designed in a manner that the emotional conditions of the passengers are detected and, in case of change of such conditions, the plane personnel is informed so as to intervene promptly on the related passenger... the system referred to can deliver to the evil minded person a substance like a narcotic or a strong tranquilizer adapted to neutralize the offensive capability thereof"

Take that, "evil minded person!" But there are positives for the virtuous traveller as well. Now, if your Ambien gets confiscated at the gate, all you need to do is experience an "emotional condition change" and that fourteen hour flight to Tokyo will be over before you know it. Time for me to get to work on my new book, Method Acting for the Business Traveller.

Hey, wait a minute. If stewardesses had the ability to knock everyone in the cabin unconscious, wouldn't that mean that instead of smuggling weapons onboard the plane, terrorists would just have to go to flight attendant school?

filed under Planes, Homeland Security
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posted on 8/15/2006, patent issued on 11/29/2005

Aircraft Security System

patent#: US 6877694

Do you have difficulty sleeping on airplanes? Bring on the terrorists! Frequent fliers who've forgotten their neck pillows may welcome a few Al-Qaeda members on one of these planes. The security system allows the crew to pump a sweet, gaseous lullaby to the entire cabin. It consists of "a plurality of first switched triggers located in the cockpit, so that a stored paralysing gas be expelled by the expulsion means and inundate the passenger cabin with complete paralysis of all people in said cabin."

Won't an in-flight screening of Monster-In-Law do the trick?

filed under Homeland Security, Planes
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posted on 6/2/2005, patent issued on 4/12/2005

Genetic Identification System

patent#: US 6857210

There are always more patents that take away some privacy. Will there ever be any that give some back? This "improvement" over a standard photo-ID also stores a fingerprint and a DNA sample. Ostensibly, the info would be used for identifying human remains from "an automobile accident, earthquake, terrorist bombing, flood, fire or similar disaster." And that's it, right? Sure.

filed under Homeland Security
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posted on 4/4/2005, patent issued on 2/22/2005

Detection of Signs of Attempted Deception and Other Emotional Stresses By Detecting Changes in Weight Distribution of a Standing or Sitting Person

patent#: US 6852086

"A method for detecting emotional stress... by measuring variations in the pressure distribution across the subject's footprint."

I guess I won't be able to take my pogo-stick on the plane anymore.

This is a really innovative development in security technology. The inventors suggest using such sensors at airports where "a standard polygraph test to pre-boarding passengers might take several days per airplane." Now that's a long wait.

filed under Homeland Security
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posted on 3/24/2005, patent issued on 2/8/2005

Aircraft Anti-Terrorism Security System

patent#: US 6844817

Not exactly a silly patent, but too interesting for me to ignore. Airbus, the European airplane manufacturer filed their application on September 21, 2001, just ten days after the 9/11 attacks. I've seen many such "9/11 patents" issued in recent months, mostly security improvements for airplanes like this one. This patent carries some extra weight because it is held by a company with the capabilities to actually implement it.

The patent is very imaginitive. You can almost sense the creativity of the scientists fueled by their outrage after the attacks. The range of anti-terror methods is pretty exhaustive.

The main component of the invention is a buffer zone between the main cabin and the cockpit. Any terrorist trying to storm the cockpit would find themselves trapped in this buffer zone and assaulted by an array of anti-terror devices such as a "lighting master shut-off," a "high intensity glaring or blinding light unit," a "a high intensity strobe light," "window darkening devices," a "high intensity noise generator," "fogging gas," "knock-out gas," and a tranquilizer dart gun that is connected to a night-vision video camera.

So you've incapacitated the terroriststs, but now what do you do with them. Well, there is also a trapdoor leading to a confinement cell. The cell is "large enough and adapted to receive and confine a person," "strong to withstand a firearm discharge and a bomb explosion," and has a nozzle for providing additional "knock-out gas."

Not exactly the best place to join the mile-high club.

filed under Planes, Homeland Security
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posted on 2/7/2005, patent issued on 1/18/2005

Footwear with GPS

patent#: US 6788200

I sometimes have trouble knowing from my right side from my left. When I was a kid, I used to play soccer. When I needed to know my right from my left, I would think to myself, "If I had a soccer ball with me, which leg would I use to kick it?" That was my right leg.

Thank goodness we have satellite technology in footwear. I don't play soccer anymore.

filed under Shoes, Homeland Security
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posted on 9/7/2004, patent issued on 9/7/2004

Homeland Security Advisory System Threat Status Indicator Device

patent#: US D494626

Did this dude just patent the terrorist alert system? I guess the government owns the color-coding, but this guy is all over the cross-hatching. I mean really, aren't color blind people susceptible to terrorism, too?

Oh, and I love the little spinner in the middle. You never know what threat status you're gonna get!

filed under Homeland Security
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posted on 8/17/2004, patent issued on 8/17/2004

Civilian Anti-Terrorist Attack Gas Mask

patent#: US 6752146

Civilian gas mask,
You are so portable,
I can fit you in my pocket,
And take you on the subway,
In case there is a terrorist attack,
Or, more likely, a smelly homeless person.

filed under Homeland Security
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posted on 7/15/2005, patent issued on 6/22/2004

Identification Tag for Real-Time Location of People

patent#: US 6747562

This is the kind of thing that scares the crap out of me. This combined with another patent issued this week, 6747561, a "Bodily worn device for digital storage and retrieval of medical records and personal identification."

Not only are we witnessing a sci-fi staple becoming reality, but it also relies on that oft-repeated, irritating argument "it's to protect the children." You wouldn't want your child getting lost now would you? This always feels like the first step in stealing privacy rights. Maybe I'm being paranoid. The application states that the intended use for this is in theme parks. Very rarely do the norms of the theme park make appearances in the real world (fried dough, animatronic bands).

filed under Homeland Security
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posted on 6/8/2004, patent issued on 6/8/2004