Patently Silly :: Archives :: Science & Technology

Method and Apparatus of Karaoke Storage on a Wireless Communications Device

patent#: US 7079026

Dispatch from the Near Future:
Perhaps it was inevitable. No one could blame us for not seeing it coming, or rather, not hearing it. Nothing like this had ever happened before. One moment we were smiling and singing, the next we were holding our ears to keep in the blood. Sure we all loved the sound of our own voices, but everyone else's... and at the same time? It was too much.

And to think of how scared we were of global warming. No one but cranky old buggers took noise pollution seriously.

And outside the sun still shines and the ice caps are still solid and blue. But those of us who can still hear hide deep down – beneath the bedrock – the one place where the phones don't get reception. The one place where the karaoke does not melt the brain like microwaves through a bowl of instant oatmeal. And here we will remain until the batteries run out or there is no one left to dial.

filed under Cell Phones, Entertainment
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posted on 9/18/2006, patent issued on 7/18/2006

Method and Apparatus of Karaoke Storage on a Wireless Communications Device

Device for Radiation Shielding Wireless Transmit/Receive Electronic Equipment Such as Cellular Telephones from Close Proximity Direct Line-Of-Sight Electromagnetic Fields

patent#: US 6947764

With all of the radiation we broadcast into the atmosphere from cell phones, radio towers, television towers, wi-fi computers, gps devices and the soon-to-be-omnipresent RFID tags it's amazing we haven't all melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Everything seems to be pretty safe. Hurray!

Is it possible to pump too much electro-magnetic radiation through our bodies? Could this radiation one day rival the dangers of the sun's UV rays? Could the standard cellphone sayonara become, "I've gotta go, this conversation is killing me?"

There's nothing like healthy paranoia to drive innovation. Radiation is a good target. Last year we had the electromagnetic wave proof bra. Now, this new patent on the use of electromagnetic interference/radio frequency interference (EMI/RFI) materials for clothing tackles the cell phone/brain cancer scare in a design that no patriotic, sports loving American can resist, the baseball cap.

Of course, I usually carry my cellphone around in my pants pocket. Do we have anything for ball cancer?

filed under Hats, Cell Phones
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posted on 10/24/2005, patent issued on 9/20/2005

Neck Wrap/Brace for Holding Items and Belt Article Holder for Same

patent#: US 6929164

We live in an age where organization is valued over intelligence. Organizational accesories define the man. And if you are overwhelmed by your organizational accessories, then there are other accessories designed to help you organize those organizational accessories. Ad infinitum.

Is it me, or is this guy screaming to the world, "Mug me and you will not feel shame!"

filed under Belts, Cell Phones
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posted on 8/28/2005, patent issued on 8/16/2005

Neck Wrap/Brace for Holding Items and Belt Article Holder for Same

Personal Communications Apparatus

patent#: US 6859657

Did you know... if your cellphone is bigger than your head you have cancer?

filed under Cell Phones
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posted on 4/4/2005, patent issued on 2/22/2005

Ancillary Wireless Detector

patent#: US 6850166

Nokia holds this nifty patent on a Bluetooth device that activates a light on your glasses when your cellphone rings. Thanks for the eye-cancer.

Hey, I think I figured out why the scientific community denies the existence of ESP. If ESP were real and we knew how to use it, we'd stop wasting our money on all of these stupid cell phone accessories.

filed under Cell Phones
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posted on 3/14/2005, patent issued on 2/1/2005

Device for the Quick and Easy Use of a Small Size Cellular Telephone

patent#: US 6796467

A quick-draw cell phone, similar to Robert Deniro's handgun sling in Taxi Driver (which, by the way, was actually patented way back in 1933.

I can imagine the new dialogue: "Are you talking to ME? Are YOU talking to me? Seriously, I have really bad reception right now, I can't hear you. ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

filed under Cell Phones
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posted on 9/28/2004, patent issued on 9/28/2004

Apparatus and Process for Sending a Wireless Directional Signal Containing Personal Information

patent#: US 6799035

Do you want to be a smooth operator like the guy in this picture? Be oh, so cool, as you beam your digits to women as they walk down the street with out any idea who you are. Yeah, I'm sure she'll call you back.

filed under Cell Phones
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posted on 9/28/2004, patent issued on 9/28/2004

Apparatus and Process for Sending a Wireless Directional Signal Containing Personal Information

Electronic Device with Concealed Firearm System

patent#: US 6778811

This is a cell phone that can shoot a bullet out of the antennae! Hit a sequence of buttons and it fires. And I thought taking low-res photos was cool. Well, I guess the days of carrying cell phones on planes is numbered...

filed under Cell Phones, Weapons
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posted on 8/17/2004, patent issued on 8/17/2004