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Penile Volumetric Measuring Device

patent#: US 7147609

Penis size: For too long (puns are inevitable when discussing the subject), it has escaped the rigorous analysis of modern science and has been left prone to self-serving exaggeration. Thankfully, one fearless inventor has arrived to clear the field of biased pseudoscience:

"Throughout history, there has been discussion and focus on the human male sex organ. Generally, having a large penis is seen as more masculine and manly than having a small penis. Well-endowed male pornography stars are looked at by many with admiration and envy due to the size of their penis."

"there is a remarkable lack of convenient and accurate methods for measuring the penis. Most men merely take a ruler and measure the size of their penis in inches. However, to adequately describe the size of a penis the length alone is not enough. Nor is it enough to know the diameter at an arbitrary point. The penis is not shaped like a true cylinder, but rather it has a more complicated shape. Therefore, a method for measuring the size of a penis needs to account for the unusual shape and size of the human penis."

In the short 22 centuries since Archimedes first shouted Eureka from his bathtub, inventor Jason Turner has applied the same techniques of fluid displacement to accurately measure the one-eyed trouser snake.

Of course, scientific breakthroughs can often be met with fierce resistance: Knowledge is power, but the truth, if small enough, can hurt.

filed under Impotence
more | comments (15)
posted on 12/15/2006, patent issued on 12/12/2006

Device for Treating Erectile Dysfunction

patent#: US 6905459

A high tech erection machine? Tell me more Mr. Inventor, (aka, Arthur Humphries of Atlanta, Georgia):

"Some of the reports indicate that ejaculation and orgasm three times a week is healthful."

If three times a week is is "healthful", I'm a river of watercress with tofu banks and tahini waterfalls. So how does this high-tech hard-on machine work?:

"Once the user pulls himself into the chamber so that his legs extend out the rear of the chamber and the front wall is located approximately at his waist, he is in a position to begin the mental foreplay that is preferred prior to applying suction to the chamber."

Mental foreplay? I come here for a boner and you want me to play Sudoku?

"This mental foreplay can include stimulating photographs.." Oh, okay, looking at porn counts? Sweet. Wish you had told me before I sealed myself in this box. "... and/or manually manipulating the sexual organ with his hands." Wait, "manual manipulation" counts as "mental foreplay?" Looks like you're covering both your physically- and mentally-challenged demographics. I didn't realize the Americans with Disabilites Act had a Woody clause, but if so, you, sir, have complied.

"Once the user becomes manually stimulated, he depresses a switch with his foot or any other means to turn on the vacuum pump. The vacuum pump creates a negative pressure within the chamber that increases blood flow into the penis that produces an erection."

At last, the only negative pressure in the bedroom won't be, "Do you look fat? Yes, and luckily sex is the best exercise." Alright, what's next?:

"At this point in time, the user can masturbate to obtain an orgasm or if he prefers, he can place a restrictive device such as a rubber band on the penis adjacent the junction of the body so as to hold the penis in an erected position to enable him to complete the sexual activity with a partner."

So you wank, turn on a vacuum, and then just wank again? Or tie off your penis like a piece of balloon sculpture? Perhaps there's something here I'm not getting. Perhaps I am just too young to play with such toys.

filed under Impotence
more | comments (18)
posted on 8/3/2006, patent issued on 6/14/2005

Spinal Cord Stimulation as a Therapy for Sexual Dysfunction

patent#: US 6862479

Are there men out there who need electricity applied to their spinal column to get an erection, getting laid? "Yeah, baby, tap that spine like a Western Union telegraph!" My self-esteem could use a jolt.

This boner-inducing patent is assigned to California-based Advanced Bionics Corporation. A bionic erection? The Six Million Dollar Man needs to change his name to The Five Million Dollar Man, The Rest is For Hookers.

filed under Impotence
more | comments (8)
posted on 4/13/2005, patent issued on 3/1/2005

Spinal Cord Stimulation as a Therapy for Sexual Dysfunction

Apparatus and Method to Assist in the Diagnosis of Premature Ejaculation

patent#: US 6814695

There once was a mechanical genius,
Who had a very sensitive penis.
He built a machine to measure,
The duration of his pleasue.
It beat faster than Monk, Thelonious.

filed under Impotence
more | comments (2)
posted on 11/9/2004, patent issued on 11/9/2004