Patently Silly :: Archives :: Relationships & Sexuality

Back to Menu

I had heard of snorting coke off of a strippers tits, but taking a bong hit out of her vagina?

This "water pipe providing sexual stimulation" seems to be just too depraved to be true. In instances such as this, I find it best to let the patent do the talking:

"The lower end cooperates with the wall of the vagina to form a water reservoir holding water in the lower end and the vagina. A stem is received into the inlet port with an end opening submerged in the water reservoir. Suction applied at the exit port draws air through the stem to bubble through the water reservoir to generate stimulatory vibrations transmitted to the vagina. Optionally, a bowl holding combustible material communicates with the stem such that smoke bubbles through the water reservoir to simultaneously filter and cool the smoke and generate stimulatory vibrations."

I don't doubt that the experience is pleasurable, but pleasurable enough for a woman to allow bong water in her vagina? Perhaps the only thing not surprising about this patent is that it was invented in Vegas. Hopefully, it will stay there.

filed under Drugs, Dildos and Vibrators
more | comments (10)
posted on 2/12/2007, patent issued on 10/17/2006

Prostate Massager

patent#: US D501048

"The ornamental design for a prostate massager."

Because even the ones with the dirtiest jobs still like to look good.

filed under Dildos and Vibrators
more | comments (7)
posted on 2/7/2005, patent issued on 1/18/2005

Article of Clothing with a Novel Attachment Means

patent#: US 6832983

Don't put your clothes on, put them IN! (In your anus, your vagina, whatever you've got to work with).

Inventor John Mott Goodman has patented an entirely new way to hang clothing--snap them into your genitals. Tired of that thong creeping up your bum? Your best solution might be to jam it in further. This invention holds your clothes in place by snapping them onto a bulb that is inserted into your vagina and/or rectum. Don't just cover your orifices, fill them in as well!

Goodman lays the case for his role in the evolution of fashion:
"The purposes for holding garments on one's body are to protect one from the environment, for modesty, and to conform to the dictates of fashion. And, of course, to avoid losing them altogether."

"Modesty or decency are terms that vary by culture. But in almost all cultures the minimum requirements include covering the external genitalia [penis and testicles for men, and vaginal lips for women], plus the anus. In many cultures women are also required to cover their breasts (at least the nipples and areolae). Some cultures require more coverage than this minimum, but for swimwear and underwear in particular, any such additional coverage is fast becoming optional. "

The female versions come in three sizes--Lolita, Regular, and M.I.L.F.:
"A young woman or girl might need a very small extension, whereas a woman who is sexually active might need a larger one, and a woman who has had several children might need a still larger one."

No word on the mens' sizes.

The inventor claims that his swimsuits may be safer than currently existing options. The garment can be put on "without having to lift either leg, thus allowing one to minimize the risk of falling over"

Vibrating bulbs are optional.

filed under Dildos and Vibrators, Bathing Suits
more | comments (22)
posted on 12/21/2004, patent issued on 12/21/2004

Article of Clothing with a Novel Attachment Means

Multi-Functional Massage Device

patent#: US 6802818

Unfortuantely, the expression, "Don't chew on that pen, you don't know where it's been" is now more true than ever.

filed under Dildos and Vibrators, Writing Utensils
more | comments (4)
posted on 10/12/2004, patent issued on 10/12/2004

Novelty Bar of Soap Having Low Cost Electro-Mechanical Vibrating Assembly

patent#: US 6802819

Soap has gotten dirty.

I don't know what it is with turning every object into vibrators. It seems to be a trend in patents: Take an object that already exists, make it vibrate, get a patent on it.

filed under Skin, Dildos and Vibrators
more | comments (5)
posted on 10/12/2004, patent issued on 10/12/2004

Novelty Bar of Soap Having Low Cost Electro-Mechanical Vibrating Assembly

Dildos and Vibrators

Method of Using a Water Pipe

patent#: US 7122000