Exercise

Hip Hop Aerobic Exercise Doll

patent#: US 7128691

I can't decide which is odder, doing hip hop aerobics with a robotic doll or incorporating VHS tapes into a 21st century technology.

As the video plays this doll gets jiggy to the soundtrack. Overweight American children will presumably be inspired to shake their bloated, candy-fed behinds along with this Caucasian-looking, hip hop-dancing automaton. According to the inventor, this groovy golem "will promote better health in the youth," "significantly reduce medical costs associated with overweight people," and, thankfully, "be made available with designer clothing."

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posted on 6/16/2010, patent issued on 10/31/2006

Cordless Jump Rope

patent#: US 7037243

All of the jumping, none of the tripping! Double-dutch your legs off like a Harlem schoolgirl without the neighbors seeing!
Strawberry shortcake
Huckleberry pie
It's a patent on nothing, my, oh my!

"To use the invention, a user holds a handle in each hand, and begins to simulate jumping rope while moving the handles in a circle with their hands and arms. The weighted ball or gear simulates the centrifugal action of a jump rope, thus delivering all the health benefits of jumping rope without any of the disadvantages of stumbling on the rope, having the rope hit the ceiling or the like."

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posted on 5/10/2006, patent issued on 5/2/2006

Systems and Methods for Treatment of Obesity and Eating Disorders By Electrical Brain Stimulation And/or Drug Infusion

patent#: US 6950707

The new look: Skeleton Chic.

Here we have another gem from the electrode-happy Advanced Bionics Corporation, who brought us March's unforgettable cock-shocker Spinal Cord Stimulation as a Therapy for Sexual Dysfunction. Advanced Bionics: making sure the Six Million Dollar Man is trim and virile. (Darn, and I thought bionics would give us superhuman strength so we could keep our fat, gelatinous bodies yet still skip lightly to the candy store).

The device, which can deliver both electrical and chemical stimulation, "is implanted in a surgically-created shallow depression or opening in the skull, such as in the temporal, parietal, or frontal bone." Then it goes to work on the hypothalmus since "it is hypothesized that the hypothalamus controls a variety of bodily and cellular functions (e.g., metabolic rate) in order to maintain a set-point for body weight."

Hypothesized? Is that as far as they've gotten with the science? I can hypothesize that dog turds taste like filet mignon, that doesn't mean I should open a restaurant. If I want an invasive weight-control method, I think I'll stick with the tried and tested two-fingered tonsil pluck.

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posted on 10/10/2005, patent issued on 9/27/2005

Animated Workout Simulating Figurine

patent#: US 6863587

I'm Bozo, your personal robot workout clown! Is the fat lady willing to give up her career? Workout 1: generate a sweat as you smash my irritating, mechanical body into a thousand pieces.

I guess you've got to do something to work off that "molten fatty substance."

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posted on 4/19/2005, patent issued on 3/8/2005

Apparatus Using Multi-Directional Resistance in Exercise Equipment

patent#: US 6837830

Perfect for people looking to lose weight by having their legs ripped from their sockets.

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posted on 1/18/2005, patent issued on 1/4/2005