Patently Silly :: Archives :: Transportation

Passenger Control System During a Plane Flying

patent#: US 6970105

In these days of airline travel, every passenger is a potential terrorist, and you must sacrifice good dental hygiene to prove you're not. There must be a better solution to airlne safety than confiscating everybody's toothpaste, right? What if the Transportation Security Administration were to give, instead of just taking away? Sounds good, but what if what they gave you was a collar equipped with a biosensor and a syringe?:

"The system is designed in a manner that the emotional conditions of the passengers are detected and, in case of change of such conditions, the plane personnel is informed so as to intervene promptly on the related passenger... the system referred to can deliver to the evil minded person a substance like a narcotic or a strong tranquilizer adapted to neutralize the offensive capability thereof"

Take that, "evil minded person!" But there are positives for the virtuous traveller as well. Now, if your Ambien gets confiscated at the gate, all you need to do is experience an "emotional condition change" and that fourteen hour flight to Tokyo will be over before you know it. Time for me to get to work on my new book, Method Acting for the Business Traveller.

Hey, wait a minute. If stewardesses had the ability to knock everyone in the cabin unconscious, wouldn't that mean that instead of smuggling weapons onboard the plane, terrorists would just have to go to flight attendant school?

filed under Planes, Homeland Security
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posted on 8/15/2006, patent issued on 11/29/2005

Passenger Control System During a Plane Flying

Aircraft Security System

patent#: US 6877694

Do you have difficulty sleeping on airplanes? Bring on the terrorists! Frequent fliers who've forgotten their neck pillows may welcome a few Al-Qaeda members on one of these planes. The security system allows the crew to pump a sweet, gaseous lullaby to the entire cabin. It consists of "a plurality of first switched triggers located in the cockpit, so that a stored paralysing gas be expelled by the expulsion means and inundate the passenger cabin with complete paralysis of all people in said cabin."

Won't an in-flight screening of Monster-In-Law do the trick?

filed under Homeland Security, Planes
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posted on 6/2/2005, patent issued on 4/12/2005

Superman Air Motor

patent#: US 6874728

The jetpack continues to evolve, this time under the vision of Hong Kong inventor Kingting Lau. I finally see how they manage to film those Kung-Fu movies high up in the bamboo.

filed under Planes
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posted on 5/26/2005, patent issued on 4/5/2005

Aircraft Anti-Terrorism Security System

patent#: US 6844817

Not exactly a silly patent, but too interesting for me to ignore. Airbus, the European airplane manufacturer filed their application on September 21, 2001, just ten days after the 9/11 attacks. I've seen many such "9/11 patents" issued in recent months, mostly security improvements for airplanes like this one. This patent carries some extra weight because it is held by a company with the capabilities to actually implement it.

The patent is very imaginitive. You can almost sense the creativity of the scientists fueled by their outrage after the attacks. The range of anti-terror methods is pretty exhaustive.

The main component of the invention is a buffer zone between the main cabin and the cockpit. Any terrorist trying to storm the cockpit would find themselves trapped in this buffer zone and assaulted by an array of anti-terror devices such as a "lighting master shut-off," a "high intensity glaring or blinding light unit," a "a high intensity strobe light," "window darkening devices," a "high intensity noise generator," "fogging gas," "knock-out gas," and a tranquilizer dart gun that is connected to a night-vision video camera.

So you've incapacitated the terroriststs, but now what do you do with them. Well, there is also a trapdoor leading to a confinement cell. The cell is "large enough and adapted to receive and confine a person," "strong to withstand a firearm discharge and a bomb explosion," and has a nozzle for providing additional "knock-out gas."

Not exactly the best place to join the mile-high club.

filed under Planes, Homeland Security
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posted on 2/7/2005, patent issued on 1/18/2005

Power Assembly for Ornicopter

patent#: US 6824094

What is this thing that was invented?
A flying machine from a mind demented?
Can you race one in a race?
Or fly one up to outer space?
Can you take one to the prom?
Try contacting Rich at ornithopter.com

filed under Planes
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posted on 11/30/2004, patent issued on 11/30/2004

Ornithopter with Flexible Fuselage

patent#: US 6802473

Since when do Spider-Man villains take out patents? You'd think the application would give away their alter-ego.

Someone must have been bitten by a radioactive dragongfly. This is an aircraft with flapping wings!

filed under Planes
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posted on 10/12/2004, patent issued on 10/12/2004

Aircraft

patent#: US D496900

It will take a lot of hairspray to keep your "do" in check on this ride. Earplugs seem like a good idea, too.

filed under Planes
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posted on 10/5/2004, patent issued on 10/5/2004

Aromatic Travel Mask

patent#: US 6758215

Frequent fliers may appreciate this all-in-one sensory derivation mask, which can filter out unwanted sounds, light, and smells. Perhaps most valuable is its ability to filter out dangerous microbes, pollens, and allergens from the re-circulating air of the "modern travel environment."

Yet, deep beneath the patent's utility lurks an unexpected cry of marketing desperation:
"The mask is preferably provided with markings which may be in the form of amusing characters, advertising or slogans and the like to encourage use of the aromatic travel mask."

It may be time for Federal Air Marshals to enforce the Patriot Act's controversial "Kill da Wabbit" clause.

filed under Planes
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posted on 8/16/2005, patent issued on 7/6/2004