Medicine

Artificial Human Feces

patent#: US 6933152

Labor Day is over. Time to go back to work: an unfortunate prospect, especially if your job is to make artificial human feces.

As the stutterer said, it's a dirty job, but someone's got to doo-doo it. This someone is Marshall E. Deutsch of the appropriately named town of Sudbury, Mass. Sudbury--a great place to wash off after a long day of crafting excrement.

People make artificial feces? Apparently so. (And the sign in the factory bathrooms say, "All employees are required to wash hands after using the toilet. Actually... don't bother.")

This must be for some kind of novelty, prank item, right? Nope. False feces have all kinds of important applications. As you can imagine (although you may prefer not to), it is useful for product testing new diapers and incontinence aids. This concoction is used to assess quality control at medical labs that test feces for intestinal conditions.

You can get a patent on that? Yup. As critics of the Patent Office say, "There are crappy patents and THERE ARE CRAPPY PATENTS." We in the patent humor business have our own saying: "Poop. It may not be intellectual humor, but it can be intellectual property." (intellectual ploperty? pooperty? propotty?)

A review of the patent literature reveals the development of this craptacular technology. We've progressed from the early days of "mashed potatoes, brownie mix, peanut butter and pumpkin pie filling" (as documented in Kimberly-Clark's 1994 patent) to the present, much less appetizing formula of "an aqueous base," "a thickening agent," "a stabilizing agent," "a preservative," and "a peroxidase mixture." This artisanal brew has the diSTINKtion (yes, I do poop jokes AND puns) of simulating "the appearance, texture or odor, or any combination thereof, of human feces," destroying the ancient proverb, "If it looks like crap and it smells like crap and it feels like crap, it's crap." (For the record, I usually stop after the second test).

What have we learned? Poop = funny. Poop science = hilarious.

filed under Medicine, Toilet
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posted on 9/6/2005, patent issued on 8/23/2005

Animal Model for Flaviviridae Infection

patent#: US 6878364

Over the past year I've seen lots of patents on bizarre animal experiments, but nothing quite like this one:

"An isolated woodchuck cell infected with bovine viral diarrhea virus."

Okay, I think we all see the joke. The question is, would I even waste the keystrokes to write something so obvious? Hey people, this is science. There's no time for playing around. It is my duty to delve into unknown and ask what has not yet been asked:

How much crap could a woodchuck crap if a woodchuck could catch bovine viral diarrhea virus?

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the preserved brain of Einstein... Amen.

Although these experiments may one day yield a treatment for Hepatits C, I can't help but feel sorry for the cows, the woodchucks and most of all the poor, lowly research assistants, whose job it is to sweep up all that sawdust.

filed under Medicine, Pests
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posted on 6/3/2005, patent issued on 4/12/2005

Swine Defective for Transmission of Porcine Endogenous Retrovirus and Uses Thereof

patent#: US 6867347

One of the hot topics of research in genetic engineering is animal-to-human organ transplant. A dangerous possibility is that it could allow species-specific diseases to make the leap into humans: Maladies previously unheard of in people could suddenly become a threat. Pig organs are the most likely candidate for animal-human transplant because they are the most similar in size to human organs, making us susceptible to Porcine Endogenous Retrovirus, a.k.a. PERV.

This invention is an attempt to remove the danger, so when you get your new hog liver you'll be PERV-free.

That's PERV, not perv. Although, who knows, maybe along with your new kidney you'll also end up with an uncontrollable Miss Piggy fetish.

filed under Medicine
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posted on 4/27/2005, patent issued on 3/15/2005

Bear Derived Isolate and Method

patent#: US 6855337

There's a lot we have to learn from bears before we drive them to extinction. For example, hibernating bears can go for five months without eating, drinking, urinating or defecating! If we can harness these secrets think of all the extra Playstation 2 time we'll have.

Unfortunately, to obtain this magical isolate someone needs to get "a sample of urine or serum taken from a fasting bear from which food has been withheld for two weeks or more." Hopefully, this brave soul will be equipped with a Robocop-inspired Bear-Proof Suit.

filed under Medicine, Wild
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posted on 3/29/2005, patent issued on 2/15/2005

Sequences of E. Coli O157

patent#: US 6855814

All the fun of E. coli without the undercooked meat. 0157 varieties.

filed under Medicine
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posted on 3/29/2005, patent issued on 2/15/2005

Genetically Engineered Herpes Virus for the Treatment of Cardiovascular Disease

patent#: US 6846670

Who said herpes was a bad thing?

Expect to hear (or use) this pick-up line: "Hey, baby, I know the best way to heal that broken heart of yours? Come over here and sit on my disease-ridden penis."

In related news, HIV might cure cancer. Perhaps STD's are not God's punishment after all! They could be heaven-sent gifts, causing cold sores and slow painful deaths whilst slowly blossoming into miracle cures. Aww, Big Guy, you shouldn't have.

Wow, the future is going to be so much cooler. Can someone just freeze my body and thaw me out when the carnal healing begins?

filed under Medicine, DNA
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posted on 3/7/2005, patent issued on 1/25/2005

Suppressors of Death Domains

patent#: US 6838550

Keeping a Lid on Hell Since 2005.

filed under Medicine
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posted on 1/18/2005, patent issued on 1/4/2005

Gene Related to Migraine in Man

patent#: US 6825332

Discovering the cause of the migraine,
Will hopefully end a lot of pain,
But to patent the gene,
Seems a little obscene,
Since it already exists in the brain.

filed under Medicine, DNA
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posted on 11/30/2004, patent issued on 11/30/2004

Ginkgo Biloba L. Leaves Cigarette

patent#: US 6776169

First of all, I find it odd that you can patent taking a tree leaf and lighting it on fire. We don't want to be creating economic incentives for pyromaniacs.

Second of all, the inventor claims that these cigarettes "can prevent and cure hypertension, heart disease, arteriosclerosis and senile dementia disease." What any evidence? This guy is throwing out claims like a pioneer during Manifest Destiny. Besides, we don't want old people to smoke. Then it won't be cool anymore.

filed under Medicine, Smoking
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posted on 8/17/2004, patent issued on 8/17/2004

Prostate Cancer Cell Lines

patent#: US 6777230

You can patent cancer? If you get this kind of cancer, do you have to pay this person?

Apparently these new cancers are used to help find a cure, but the whole idea still sounds kind of creepy. It's got to be a thankless job. Imagine meeting this person at a party:

"What do you do for a living?"
"I make prostate cancer."
"Great. I've got to go... talk to someone else."

filed under Medicine
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posted on 8/17/2004, patent issued on 8/17/2004