Patently Silly :: Archives :: Health & Hygiene

Retractable Table Top for a Toilet

patent#: US 6983493

Some of the best ideas come when you're sitting on the john. It's as if opening one end to eliminate the physical, we make more room on the other side for the metaphysical. One might conclude then that the more time you sit on the toilet, the more inspiration you will receive.

Rafik Shaumyan has at last conquered the "shortcomings" of standard facilities with his table top: "A device for providing a working surface while a user is seated on a toilet."

Shaumyan has thoroughly analyzed society's plebian use of the crapper and restored its royal dignity. As he puts it:

"The toilet seat can more rightly be called "the throne" if certain conditions are met above and beyond the simple support and flush provisions. A supply of toilet paper needs to be furnished and at a convenient location or locations, not a marginally accessible location. A supply of reading material from which a selection can be made is usually welcome, and for some an ashtray, cigarettes and matches are needed. Some may prefer to prepare notes such as shopping lists, and these will need pencil and notepaper and backing for the note paper. "

All the convenience fit for a king.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 1/23/2007, patent issued on 1/10/2006

Amusement Device That Senses Odorous Gases in a Bathroom

patent#: US 6966840

"A novelty device that makes humorous statements when a person is having a bowel movement in a confined bathroom. The device includes an automated character, such as a bird in a birdcage, a skunk with a gasmask or some other character. Within the device is a gas sensor for detecting at least one gas emitted during a bowel movement. The device also includes a speaker for transmitting an audible message. When gases from a bowel movement are detected, audible statements are transmitted and synchronized movements are effected in the automated character."

"Since most prior art amusement devices must be manually activated, the broadcasting of a message by the voice synthesizer circuitry is often anticipated. For example, when a child wants a doll to speak, that child purposely squeezes the doll and expects to hear the doll speak. However, as is well known in comedy, timing is everything."

"The configuration of a canary in a birdcage was selected because canaries were often used by miners to detect the presence of gas in coalmines. As such, the image of a canary in a birdcage already provides the impression that the device is a gas detector. "

"Once activated, a humorous audible message is broadcast. The massage may say "What a stench! Somebody open the window! There are rules against cruelty to animals!" A countless number of messages can be used. The messages can be simple and benign or can be highly X-rated."

"The canary may drop over dead."

"There is a fine line between a novelty device that is funny and a novelty device that is annoying."

filed under Toilet
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posted on 11/27/2005, patent issued on 11/22/2005

Post Urination Drip Collector

patent#: US 6949090

If there's one thing worse than a drippy penis, it's a urine collection device that's slips off during your big moment at the board meeting. And, hey, if you're got to cap your johnson, you might as well add an inch while you're at it.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 10/25/2005, patent issued on 9/27/2005

Toilet Annunciator

patent#: US 6937155

HEL-LO. THIS IS YOUR TOI-LET SPEAK-ING. THANK YOU FOR INSTALL-ING THIS A-NUN-CIA-TOR ON ME SO THAT MY VOICE CAN BE HEARD MORE CLEAR-LY.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE EN-JOYED GET-TING TO KNOW YOUR FAM-I-LY OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WARMTH AND YOUR HIGH FI-BER DI-ETS. COME VIS-IT A-GAIN SOON. IF YOU HAVE A-NY QUES-TIONS, FEEL FREE TO ASK ME OR THE TOI-LET PA-PER ROLL. HOL-DER.

FLUSHHHHHHHHHH

filed under Toilet
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posted on 9/14/2005, patent issued on 8/30/2005

Artificial Human Feces

patent#: US 6933152

Labor Day is over. Time to go back to work: an unfortunate prospect, especially if your job is to make artificial human feces.

As the stutterer said, it's a dirty job, but someone's got to doo-doo it. This someone is Marshall E. Deutsch of the appropriately named town of Sudbury, Mass. Sudbury--a great place to wash off after a long day of crafting excrement.

People make artificial feces? Apparently so. (And the sign in the factory bathrooms say, "All employees are required to wash hands after using the toilet. Actually... don't bother.")

This must be for some kind of novelty, prank item, right? Nope. False feces have all kinds of important applications. As you can imagine (although you may prefer not to), it is useful for product testing new diapers and incontinence aids. This concoction is used to assess quality control at medical labs that test feces for intestinal conditions.

You can get a patent on that? Yup. As critics of the Patent Office say, "There are crappy patents and THERE ARE CRAPPY PATENTS." We in the patent humor business have our own saying: "Poop. It may not be intellectual humor, but it can be intellectual property." (intellectual ploperty? pooperty? propotty?)

A review of the patent literature reveals the development of this craptacular technology. We've progressed from the early days of "mashed potatoes, brownie mix, peanut butter and pumpkin pie filling" (as documented in Kimberly-Clark's 1994 patent) to the present, much less appetizing formula of "an aqueous base," "a thickening agent," "a stabilizing agent," "a preservative," and "a peroxidase mixture." This artisanal brew has the diSTINKtion (yes, I do poop jokes AND puns) of simulating "the appearance, texture or odor, or any combination thereof, of human feces," destroying the ancient proverb, "If it looks like crap and it smells like crap and it feels like crap, it's crap." (For the record, I usually stop after the second test).

What have we learned? Poop = funny. Poop science = hilarious.

filed under Medicine, Toilet
more | comments (7)
posted on 9/6/2005, patent issued on 8/23/2005

Human Waste Management Suit

patent#: US 6920646

When you gotta go, you gotta go,
Environmental hazard or no.
Just make it part of your routine,
After every use, have it dry-cleaned.

filed under Toilet, Homeland Security
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posted on 9/1/2005, patent issued on 7/26/2005

Urinal Drink Coaster

patent#: US 6869055

Ah, a memento from the old Urinal Bar. A place where the conversation was so good, they affixed johns above the foot rail so you wouldn't miss a thing. It was the kind of place where everybody knew your name and if you liked asparagus. Old Yellow Legs the barkeep was always ready to pull you a nice pint of lager and the regulars knew to beware of the stout.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 5/5/2005, patent issued on 3/22/2005

Portable Toilet

patent#: US D500844

You might be a redneck if... you take a crap in one of these.

Perfect for tailgating and for fertilizing the lawn.

Fold carefully.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 1/25/2005, patent issued on 1/11/2005

Toilet Training Assembly

patent#: US 6829788

This toilet trainer has a built in motion detector positioned "such that material entering said receptacle is detected by said motion detector." So, when your little one drops his kids off at the pool, this smart crapper knows it. The toilet also knows that kids learn effectively by positive reinforcement. Once the deed is done, it rewards the child with a candy.

Wait a minute, did I miss something here? I thought there was one other important step in toilet training, washing of the hands--especially before sticking something in your mouth.

Another recommendation: Don't stock the toilet with Tootsie Rolls. They may send an unintended message.

filed under Toilet, Parenting
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posted on 12/14/2004, patent issued on 12/14/2004

Method for Biodegradable Material Having Water and Uric Acid Activated Color Images

patent#: US 6811403

Do you remember the invisible ink experiment in science class? You write a note in lemon juice which can only be read if you hold it up to a light?

This invention is similar, but messier. It's a piece of material that has an invisible image that can only be seen by putting it in the toilet. Drop it in the bowl and an outline forms. Urinate on it and it fills in with vibrant colors!

Designed to help toilet-train toddlers, this is one picture you will not want to hang on the refrigerator.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 11/2/2004, patent issued on 11/2/2004

Lighted Traffic Sign Attached to Portable Restroom

patent#: US 6812856

You know those people at highway construction sites holding signs and directing traffic? This invention is for them. It includes a stool so they don't have to stand all day, a slot to put the sign in if they need to, and a urinal.

See that arm sticking off to the side? That's the urinal. Right there in the open. Nice.

filed under Toilet
more | comments (1)
posted on 11/2/2004, patent issued on 11/2/2004

Lighted Traffic Sign Attached to Portable Restroom

Portable Urinal for a Female

patent#: US D497981

When you gotta go, you gotta go. My only question is, does this thing have a lid?

filed under Toilet
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posted on 11/2/2004, patent issued on 11/2/2004

Lavatory-Toilet Combination

patent#: US 6802090

Yet another legitimate reason to pee in the sink.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 10/12/2004, patent issued on 10/12/2004

Urination Funnel

patent#: US D495798

This handy patent is already on the market as Uri-mate® - "A simple and discreet solution when nature calls."

filed under Toilet
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posted on 9/7/2004, patent issued on 9/7/2004

Talking Toilet Paper Roll Holder

patent#: US 6772975

My feelings for this patent could only be summed up in haiku:

Barren toilet stall,
Nature's call answered swiftly,
Sound of robot cheers.

filed under Toilet
more | comments (5)
posted on 8/10/2004, patent issued on 8/10/2004

Flush Toilet for a Dog

patent#: US 6769382

There once was an old dog named Mush,
Who sometimes had to "go" in a rush,
His owners' rugs he crapped on,
So they bought him his own john,
But you can't teach an old dog to flush.

filed under Pets, Toilet
more | comments (0)
posted on 8/3/2004, patent issued on 8/3/2004

Incinerating Commode

patent#: US 6763528

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
What was once inside me is about to combust.
This incinerating commode is state of the art,
I just pray it won't explode if I let out a fart.

filed under Toilet
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posted on 7/20/2005, patent issued on 7/20/2004

Toilet Seat for Obese Persons

patent#: US D491650

filed under Toilet
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posted on 6/15/2004, patent issued on 6/15/2004

Tissue with Embossed Puppy Design

patent#: US D490248

Because dogs love ass.

filed under Toilet, Pets
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posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004