Patently Silly :: Archives :: Clothes

We all know the drill: Take off you shoes, put them on the conveyer belt to be X-Rayed and walk through the metal detector. All because of that one stupid m*th#rf!ck%r!

Deep breath. Okay. So what's wrong with this system? The inventor points out:

"With the increase in airport security measures, many recent inventions have focused on improving the accuracy and efficiency of current airport security systems. However, none of these inventions have focused on the health concerns that have surfaced as a result of the implementation of the new security standards."

That's right people, Al Qaeda may not have hijacked any planes since 9/11, but there's a new terrorist threatening our airports—foot fungus. Have seen those advertisments where the little fungus rips up a toenail and walks inside? It sounds messed up, but on a visceral level, I find that image almost as disturbing as the footage of the twin towers.

Diane Ghioto's "one size fits all" sock system picks up where the department of Homeland Security left off—protecting the nation from the ground up.

filed under Homeland Security, Shoes
more | comments (7)
posted on 2/5/2007, patent issued on 3/14/2006

House Slippers

patent#: US D504997

Apparently, the Jolly Green gotten his foot in a barn silo again. Easy on the corn vodka there, Jolly!

filed under Shoes
more | comments (9)
posted on 3/8/2006, patent issued on 5/17/2005

Jumping Device for Exercise

patent#: US 6840893

Headless Harry lost his head,
While jumping up upon his bed.

The bounce from the mattress was not enough,
To give himself the perfect jump.
So he shopped around for a special shoe,
And this he found, which he knew would do.

He strapped them to his size 8 feet,
And with them on he felt complete.
But one thing that he did not know,
WIth these shoes the ceiling was too low.

One thing about Harry that I forgot to say,
He is less than a man without a head I'm afraid.
He stands without body or head,
He is just a shoe, a foot, and a leg.

filed under Shoes
more | comments (15)
posted on 1/25/2005, patent issued on 1/11/2005

Footwear with GPS

patent#: US 6788200

I sometimes have trouble knowing from my right side from my left. When I was a kid, I used to play soccer. When I needed to know my right from my left, I would think to myself, "If I had a soccer ball with me, which leg would I use to kick it?" That was my right leg.

Thank goodness we have satellite technology in footwear. I don't play soccer anymore.

filed under Shoes, Homeland Security
more | comments (3)
posted on 9/7/2004, patent issued on 9/7/2004

Footwear for a Dynamic, Rolling Walking-Action

patent#: US 6782639

At last you can feel drunk without the expense of alcohol.

filed under Shoes
more | comments (3)
posted on 8/31/2004, patent issued on 8/31/2004

Footwear for a Dynamic, Rolling Walking-Action

Educational System for Teaching Shoe-Tying Skills

patent#: US 6746249

I'm sorry, is there something missing here? Does the kid need a separate practice shoe? Wouldn't he/she want to tie the shoe they're wearing?

filed under Shoes,
more | comments (3)
posted on 6/8/2004, patent issued on 6/8/2004

Footwear with a Power Generator

patent#: US 6744145

Every step will help us eliminate our dependence on foreign oil.

filed under Shoes, Electric Generation
more | comments (6)
posted on 6/1/2004, patent issued on 6/1/2004

Tamper Resistant Institutional Shoe and Method

patent#: US 6739074

1. A method for discouraging concealment of contraband in an institutional setting, comprising the steps of:
a) providing people confined to an institution with shoes having an outsole that is light transparent in at least a translucent manner; and
b) inspecting the shoes for evidence of tampering or for contraband concealed therein by viewing the outsole and looking through the outsole.

filed under Shoes, Homeland Security
more | comments (3)
posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004

Shoes

Sanitary Security Sock System

patent#: US 7012525