Patently Silly :: Archives :: Clothes

In the paraphrased words of Sisqo, "All the scandalous babies in the house show your thong th thong thong thong." What possible justification is there for a thong diaper? Does less plastic mean they are environmentally friendly? Are they to help adults who can't control their bowels feel sexy? Unfortunately for us, in a design patent no explanation is needed.

filed under Babies, Underwear
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posted on 6/17/2010, patent issued on 3/27/2007

Lap Dance Liner

patent#: US RE039371

It is said that Thomas Edison's laboratory went through over a hundred thousand failed prototypes for each successful invention. One can only hope that in the quest for his perfect liner, Wesley K. Johnson went through that many lap dances.

I don't think this invention needs much explanation, but one sentence in this patent surprised me. The inventor points out that the pouch "captures fluids released prior to, and during the lap dance act." Prior to? Now that's excitable!

filed under Underwear, Condoms
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posted on 6/16/2010, patent issued on 10/31/2006

Garments Having Edible Components and Methods for Making Same

patent#: US 6872119

Oh, baby, the things I'm wanna do to you. I'm gonna start by nibbling your windbreaker loose, cause when we start going at it, the only breeze blowing will be from the moans of your pleasure. Then I'm gonna bite loose the straps on your heels. If there's anything that can drown out the taste of stinky feet, it's a pack of Smarties. Mmm hmm... How sexually thoughtful you are, baby. You got my sweet tooth all riled up. I'm gonna have to slow things down for a minute. I'm gonna have to eat my way into your handbag for some condoms and a bottle of water.

Oh look, there you go, stripping down to your bra and panties. Aren't you a sexy thing? I can't take it baby. I want to, but I don't think I can go any further. I think I've got a cavity and a diabetic coma coming on. Pass me some Aqua Fresh and an insulin shot.

filed under Underwear, Lingerie
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posted on 5/12/2005, patent issued on 3/29/2005

Garments Having Edible Components and Methods for Making Same

Underpants for Men

patent#: US 6862746

"Men's underpants comprising:
an underpants body having penis and scrotum outlet ports so as to pull out a user's penis and scrotum respectively;"

Heh, heh. He said "scrotum outlet port."

filed under Underwear
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posted on 4/19/2005, patent issued on 3/8/2005

Abdominal Support

patent#: US 6846220

Designed for pregnant women, the patent was carefully worded to include use by obese persons. If there are two things that sells in America it's a contraption to ease the life of fat people and the Value Meals that make them so.

Word has it that Tom Arnold will be modelling this belly-bra while portraying a cherub for the next Victoria's Secret "Angels" catalog.

My only complaint: Where's the beer holder?

filed under Underwear
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posted on 3/7/2005, patent issued on 1/25/2005

Garment with Interior Bra Structure with Side Supports

patent#: US 6846217

The thing that caught my eye about this patent (after hot illustrated lady's seductive gaze and "14c") was the patent's assignee--electrical engineering powerhouse, Texas Instruments.

At first I couldn't figure out why TI would be getting into the women's underwear business. I read the entire patent and then I realized that one of the main features of this bra is that it uses no "underwire." Forget your wi-fi router, TI is committed to making this a truly wireless world.

filed under Underwear
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posted on 3/7/2005, patent issued on 1/25/2005

Electromagnetic Wave Proof Cup Structure for Bra

patent#: US 6814647

There was a girl who was blessed,
With two glorious orbs upon her chest.
You should have seen them when she undressed,
Each one was bigger than a hornets nest!
(Though gentler to the touch, I attest).

She, too, with them was obsessed,
She told me her secret, at my request,
Of how she maintained her glorious breasts.
In tit protection she did invest:

"When it comes to breasts,
Get the best!
Protect them from polluting pests.
Radiation makes a boob depressed.
It takes a good bra to pass my test.
Before this one, I wore a bullet proof vest."

filed under Breast "Enhancement", Underwear
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posted on 11/9/2004, patent issued on 11/9/2004

Electromagnetic Wave Proof Cup Structure for Bra

Air Filled Brassiere

patent#: US 6811463

Get ready to inflate your breast size ladies, it's bubble wrap for breasts! Gentlemen, be careful pinning on that corsage.

filed under Breast "Enhancement", Underwear
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posted on 11/2/2004, patent issued on 11/2/2004

Breast Implant Sizing Apparatus and Method

patent#: US 6796875

A try-before-you-buy approach to breast implants.

Experiment with different breast sizes at home by filling this special bra with different amounts of fluid. Literally go through the ABCs of cup sizes.

filed under Breast "Enhancement", Underwear
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posted on 9/28/2004, patent issued on 9/28/2004

Breast Implant Sizing Apparatus and Method

Backless, Strapless Bra

patent#: US 6780081

Backless and strapless? Pasties? These things stich on with glue. I can't imagine the removal being very pleasant.

filed under Underwear
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posted on 8/24/2004, patent issued on 8/24/2004

Anti-Wrinkle Bra for Sleeping

patent#: US 6769955

There once was a desperate old hag,
Who bought a bra she saw in a mag.
She wore it at rest,
To un-wrinkle her breasts.
They kept smooth, but boy did they sag!

filed under Underwear, Breast "Enhancement"
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posted on 8/3/2004, patent issued on 8/3/2004

Thong-Type Garment with Wireframe Construction

patent#: US 6738988

The evolution of women's undergarments always seems to undergo a stage when wire is added liberally to the mix. Now it's come to the thong.

Apparently some ladies with hefty heinies want to get down with the whole thong thang, but are realizing that a string down their crack isn't going to stop their ass from sagging.

filed under Underwear
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posted on 5/25/2004, patent issued on 5/25/2004

Underwear

Thong Diaper

patent#: US D539422