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Eats
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Readers keep asking, "Daniel, when are going to comment on the recent McDonald's sandwich patent application?" (1, 2) Well, I hate to say it folks, maybe never. I only tip my hat to true innovations—those deemed patentable by the supreme beings at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (the McDonald's applications haven't been approved yet). They know who's been naughty, who's been nice and who deserves a fourteen year limited monopoly.

Like this beauty, the Cucumber Sandwich!

Unlike McDonald's who needed a committee of three to come up with their painfully-smothered-in-a-special-sauce-of-legalese "Method and Apparatus for Making a Sandwich," the Cucumber Sandwich needed just one man, a knife, and a cucumber.

I prefer to celebrate the little guy. McDonald's knows that even bad press is good press. All the attention they've received for their "meat and/or cheese filling" in a "bread cavity" has given them yet another reason to roll around in their pit of plastic balls filled with money at the McExecutive PlayPlace.

I prefer to feature Alexander Stenzel of Pacific Palisades, CA, whose only English-language Google result appears to be in relation to this elegantly crafted raw food masterpiece. I salute Alexander and his unprecented use of a cucumber: It's simple, it's elegant, and it's fashion model-friendly. Mr. Stenzel, you deserve a break today.

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posted on 12/7/2006, patent issued on 8/29/2006

Kimchi Storage Facility

patent#: US 7040113

Okay, Mr. Kim Jong-Il, the charade is up. The world community will not tolerate these threatening actions. We have satellite photographs of your illegal Kimchi Storage Facilities and we are prepared for immediate reprisals should you attempt to launch a spicy cabbage assault.

Our mild, Western tongues will not accept your assortment of fermented chili pepper threats. Even the Chinese say this shit is too hot. This time we will not diplomatically wash down your tastebud-searing appetizers with a tall glass of water. We've tried that before, and it doesn't work. In fact, though it soothes temporarily, it ultimately makes the pain worse.

The choice is yours. Immediately cease production of the spicy cabbage and join us at the negotiating table over a reasonable dish of chips and mild salsa, or your nation will be unmercifully doused in soothing, cooling, dairy-fresh whole milk.

filed under Eats
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posted on 7/11/2006, patent issued on 5/9/2006

Simulated Wedding Cake

patent#: US 7021465

How does one "invent" a simulation? Isn't a simulation, by definition, a copy? And by simulating a wedding cake, wouldn't one be inviting a black tie revolution? For goodness sake, let them eat cake.

But let us not judge too quickly. What sybaritic delights does such a sim-cake contain? Let me taunt your salivary glands with a description from the patent:

"a plurality of stackable layers oriented in a substantially vertical manner, one said plurality of layers defining a base and other said plurality of layers defining an apex, said plurality of layers having a centrally disposed longitudinal axis extending therethrough and further has top and bottom surfaces disposed thereabout, said plurality of layers further having a plurality of apertures formed therein and radially spaced about a perimeter thereof respectively."

Geometrically delicious. Lick my radially spaced perimeter, Duncan Hines!

In case you didn't know what was wrong with the traditional, multilayered, flour-based extravaganza, take a big slice of time-saving knowledge:

"wedding cakes commonly served at wedding parties need to be properly portioned, cut and placed on plates requiring the effort of someone skilled with the hands, a facility which all the attendees do not usually possess. The cake itself can be difficult or time consuming to make, and the whole event might require considerable clean up when completed."

I mean, how long do you think this marriage is going to last?

filed under Eats
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posted on 4/10/2006, patent issued on 4/4/2006

Rearing Fly Larvae and Animals in Space for Waste Recycling and Food Supplying

patent#: US 6938574

Problem: You are surrounded by a massive pool of urine, feces, and garbage. Day by day you are getting hungrier and hungrier.

Solution: Harvest maggots from sewage and make a nice gumbo.

Is this the Bush Administration proposal for the starving stragglers in New Orleans? Nope, it's a new brew for spacemen from Mao Zhang of California:

"A method for closed-loop regeneration of food for humans during a long term mission in space, comprising:
- freezing fly eggs in liquid nitrogen;
bringing the frozen fly eggs on the long term mission;
- thawing some of the fly eggs in space;
- rearing maggots and pupa in space from the thawed fly eggs by feeding the maggots human waste and plant crop waste;
- preparing a powder from the maggots that have been reared; and
- feeding the maggot powder to the humans as food. "

Wash down with plenty of tang.

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posted on 9/12/2005, patent issued on 9/6/2005

Cream-Based Food Composition

patent#: US 6863909

Secret ingredient: "molten fatty substance."

filed under Eats
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posted on 4/19/2005, patent issued on 3/8/2005

Method for Producing Tissue Engineered Meat for Consumption

patent#: US 6835390

All the meat, none of the killing. This is a patent on meat grown in a petri-dish!

A full menu of meats is promised, including buffalo, alligator, and frog's legs (see the actual patent for the full list). And don't worry, gristle lovers, the inventor specifically states that your steak can be grown with fat cells and cartilage!

Unfortunately for cannibals, the meat is strictly non-human--leaving a nice opportunity for man-eating mad scientists at the patent office.

This may seem like a patently evil invention at first, but the inventor defends his morality. With most of the world's grain being used to raise animals, rainforests being cut down for grazing, the oceans being overfished, salmonella, E. Coli and Mad Cow disease, we must find a less wasteful and less dangerous source of food. Growing meat in a petri dish doesn't seem so awful next to 50,000 people a day dying of starvation. (Nor does vegetarianism).

If this stuff can actually be grown and brought to market, it will be a brave new taste for mankind. AND THEY'LL NEED MARKETING IDEAS!!! Surely, Patently Silly readers can come up with good ad copy. Here's one to start:
America loves Meatri Dish. It's Ex Vivo-licious!

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posted on 12/28/2004, patent issued on 12/28/2004

Method for Smoking White Rice

patent#: US 6835403

1) Put rice in your crack pipe.
2) Light pipe.
3) Smoke rice.
Note: Smoking crack before smoking rice enhances the taste of the rice.

(Okay, calm down concerned parents, it's actually a way to cook rice.)

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posted on 12/28/2004, patent issued on 12/28/2004

Manufacture of Non-Standard Cheese Products

patent#: US 6835404

"Non-standard" ie., mostly not cheese. "Acidified dairy slurry" anyone?

I can't tell you how many patents I see on really disgusting sounding foods. Cheese seems to be a big category for this kind of awful tinkering, in case you hadn't noticed it in the grocery store. I thought the title of this patent seemed almost Politically Correct. "It's not artificial cheese, it's just non-standard."

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posted on 12/28/2004, patent issued on 12/28/2004

Marshmallow System

patent#: US 6800312

At last, a marshmallow with an "axial open-ended bore." That's right, it's S'more technology. The chocolate is carefully inserted to the marshmallow, which is then roasted over the fire. It sounds like a good idea, but where does the stick go?

filed under Eats, Camping
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posted on 10/5/2004, patent issued on 10/5/2004

"Peanut Butter Batter" Pancake Mix

patent#: US 6797310

A patent on peanut butter pancakes? This seems to be one of the few peanut inventions that George Washington Carver overlooked, but surely these have been around for a while. At least Google has heard of them. I don't know how some of these patents get through, but when we start getting into Grandma's family recipes, me gets mad.

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posted on 9/28/2004, patent issued on 9/28/2004

Patterned Boiled Egg and Process for Producing the Same

patent#: US 6773742

This is a way to decorate the egg inside the shell. Heat is used to manipulate the yolk, forming a yellow pattern on the surface of the egg. One day yolk art will be a folk art and babies will have tattoos.

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posted on 8/10/2004, patent issued on 8/10/2004

Patterned Boiled Egg and Process for Producing the Same

Business Card Made from Edible Material

patent#: US D493601

There once was a chocaltier named Alsace,
Whose business cards really had class.
I took one and forgot it,
And after months in my pocket,
I regret it tasted like ass.

filed under Marketing, Eats
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posted on 8/3/2004, patent issued on 8/3/2004

What's for Dinner Board Game

patent#: US 6755418

At last a board game has come along for the hungry and indecisive...

Illinois inventor Wayne Jackson, has come to the hesitant chef's rescue with his What's for Dinner Boar Game. The object of the game is to prepare one item from each of the four Midwestern food groups: "Main Course", "Veggies", "Soup or Salad" and "Dessert." The first one to fix a meal wins (and ideally heads to the kitchen to start the actual cooking).

The player rolls the dice until they land on a dish. Then they move around the square trying to avoid such time-consuming whammies as "boil" "simmer" and, worst of all, "stew" (no, not stew!). Next they try to land on the "Get Cooking" square, at which point they roll another set of dice to wear down the clock until the first course has been completely "cooked." Then the cycle is repeated three more times until a full meal has been prepared. Sadly, the important concept of kitchen multi-tasking is never introduced: "Darn, if only I had made the greenbeans, salad, and jello while the turkey roasted for the past 3½ hours!"

The game seems like a great way to teach spoiled brats how lucky they are to get a home-cooked meal, but if you're hungry and trying to decide what to eat, might I suggest taking out the scissors and tape and playing a little game called Take Out Menu Twister-Spinner (first course: Deep Fried Won Tons, from the China Garden, second Course: a large Meat Lover's Pizza, from Domino's, etc).

filed under Eats, Games
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posted on 11/8/2005, patent issued on 6/29/2004

Heart Shaped Cheese Slice

patent#: US D491711

Once upon a time, there was a Heart Shaped Meat Product. He was full of love, yet lonely, with no one to share his deli-sliced deliciousness.

One day along came a thoughtful inventor with quite a heart of his own. He felt sorry for the lonely Meat product and invented a Heart Shaped Cheese Slice. All we need are two heart shaped pieces of bread and we can celebrate their union in the form of a heart shaped sandwich (as of yet unpatented?).

filed under Eats
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posted on 7/12/2005, patent issued on 6/22/2004

Combination Lollipop, Drinking Straw

patent#: US D491336

A powerful new sugar-intake cocktail...

filed under Eats, Utensils
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posted on 6/15/2004, patent issued on 6/15/2004

Tomato Raisin

patent#: US 6743460

"1. A method of producing a tomato raisin, comprising:
(a) removing the skin from a grape tomato to produce a skinless grape tomato; and
(b) drying said skinless grape tomato to produce a tomato raisin."

Simple. Elegant. Patentable?

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posted on 6/1/2004, patent issued on 6/1/2004